When I think about this next chapter, I find it difficult to find the words to describe what actually happened and it has taken me a long while to write about this. Saying so, it doesn’t make this chapter any better written than any of my last posts either, it has just been difficult.
To take myself back to that point, it is painful; but much of my history is like that; I have to return to that moment in time and put myself in the instant in order to be able to write about it. This is laborious to write about, words just don’t spill out onto my page.
At first I wanted to describe this, as I have before, as a story and then I thought it may be more powerful to write a poem. Neither flowed, and it still doesn’t. Pain has a habit of shutting your memories down in order to protect you…I know I have done that well before this time but I have to delve deep here and it still refuses to flow.
Vorn got up before me. He slipped out of bed quietly, thinking that I was sleeping. I rolled over into his warmth, savouring the essence of him and awaited his return. The night before, we had discussed religion, a topic we hadn’t touched on before. Vorn had been brought up as a Catholic and his thoughts on this subject were far more developed than mine. He also brought up the concept of having a threesome. When asked, I found it difficult to encapsulate my beliefs. I sensed a slight disquiet on his part but I had never felt that different beliefs would be the saw to fell this tree; not for one moment; so I was honest as much as I was vague. We made love. It was beautiful and connected…or so I felt.
He didn’t return to bed as I had anticipated. In my comfortable half dream state, he told me he was leaving. He told me he was leaving ME. Before I had the chance to wake up from my nightmare, he was gone.
I was shattered.